The Secret to a Good Divorce (3)

Former spouses--or soon-to-be former spouses--have an intimate knowledge of their erstwhile partners. However, they may not be able to name the actual behavior that causes arguments to start. Dr. John Gottman, professor emeritus at the University of Washington and co-founder of the Gottman Institute, has been researching couples's behaviors for over 40 years. He has identified four factors that usually predict nonproductive arguments that go downhill fast. These factors are criticism (the problem arises out of the other person's character or personality), defensiveness (a spouse counterattacks or whines), contempt (thinking you're better than you are and talking down to your partner), and stonewalling (shutting down and refusing to talk about the issue). Interestingly, women tend to use criticism more than men, while men tend to stonewall more than women. So if a wife is castigating her husband for being a slob, it would not be unusual for him to shut down and cl